I know that today, when people get frustrated, break up, or get divorced many times in their lives, it is very difficult to start a new relationship wholeheartedly, without doubts. Everybody’s looking for the red flags and the suspicious signs while wearing a full G.I. Joe equipment for their self-defense.
The problem starts where the previous relationship ends. And it usually ends badly for at least one party. But even if we let each other go by mutual consent, sometimes there is some sour taste left behind that can’t go away unless we address it. There’s an important thing that most people often skip before starting a new relationship, and that’s giving their closure to the story. It’s a difficult situation because a proper view on the matter requires them to be objective about something that they lived mostly on a subjective level. Therefore, they cling to the pain and loss they feel about the disappointing relationship, and enter a new one with the doubts and fears thinking that the other person just wants to hurt or take advantage of them, and they project the mistakes of all their previous bad relationships on the person they don’t really even know, and this way they don’t even give a chance to.
I’d like to give some good advice to everyone, especially now, at the beginning of this new year when many of you made some resolutions regarding your love life. Maybe it will help you get started with a clean slate.
It’d be good if you kept something in mind if you were just letting someone go or if you weren’t able to nicely / completely let someone out of your life. Try to shift the focus from the bad ending and pain to the things that you got from them. An excellent solution to this is that if you write a letter — there is a way that the person is no longer alive or so out of date that you can’t give it to them, but that’s not even the purpose, because we don’t want to change anything with that letter anymore. Just write it out of yourselves and formulate these good things, obviously, not nostalgically just objectively, so it will be active in your mind what you owed to the other person during the time you spent together. Every relationship — no matter how long they lasted, gives us a lot to learn and think about. It’s one of the most important things I tell my friends (and even myself) when they go through a break-up: You must be aware of why you were together with a person and not only why you broke up.
So, when you write these things down, you’ll see your past relationships have given you a lot, but now it’s time to move on. Nothing lasts forever.
For example, during just a single date, how much beauty someone can give by looking at you, touching your hand, telling you nice compliments, triggering a thought in you, or even with a good sex. So, you may imagine that after a few dates, weeks, months there will be a long list of beautiful and positive things that you can put together, especially if it was a multi-year relationship. Keep these parts active in yourselves because then you will feel about the whole situation in a different way. You’ll be grateful that it has happened and it was a nice thing.
You’ll also feel the desire to relive this and experience it with someone else again. And so next time you’re going to go on a date with another person focusing on what you can live, learn with them — first, not what you can get from them, but what you want to give them.
This is a winning position at a date: knowing what you could give. Don’t date just to get a gift from someone at Christmas finally, or because you’re worried to be left alone. After all, it’s not bad to be alone at all because we need times to clear our minds and recharge. Being single is like a state of meditation when you can reflect on many aspects of your life and clear a way in your mind for new things to come. This way if you want to date again you’ll know you could put together such a lovely gift for them, show them so many good places, films, books, music you like, or you’ll feel that you’d love to make them some nice food, cuddle with them in the evening. You need the other person because you have a surplus and you want to share it. You feel good about yourself, so why wouldn’t you share the feeling?
When we talk about loving yourself well, not as it’s advised by sociopathic trainers, it’s about you not coming into a relationship or dating situation as a beggar, but as a queen / king.
“Please give me some alms to believe something about myself!” Who wants a person or a situation as such? The other one doesn’t have so much more to lift you up either. What can they give when they’re also waiting for someone to give them? It won’t work this way. You need to make sure you gather everything you think about yourself and go there with the feeling that you want to share it with this person. You want to love someone well. So, when you go there, you don’t feel like a beggar who’s happy to have been finally talked to, but you’ll feel like you’re cool, it’s good to be with you and they’re lucky to be sitting there with you. It’s really lucky to be with such a companion because the other will feel that you are doing well with yourself because you can love well and beautifully.